I want to warn you before telling you what I had never thought I would be okay with putting out there.
But as the philosophy of the Japanese, the philosophy of kintsugi, as an approach to life, can help encourage us when we face failure. We can pick up the pieces; we can put them back together if we manage. The result may not seem beautiful immediately, but as wabi-sabi teaches, we may appreciate the beauty of those imperfections as time passes.
In our 20s and 30s, there can be immense pressure to measure up to the expectations of society, our families, our friends, and even those we have for ourselves. Many people look back and feel disappointed that they hadn’t taken the opportunity to travel more. Others might have envisioned they would be further along in their careers or personal relationships. But, in reality, life is hard, and we might face setbacks (big and small) that can shatter our dreams, leaving us with fragments we perceive as worthless.
Not for me.
Everything that happened to me was not okay, but I am stronger. And we aren’t going to thank those who hurt me by stating that I am stronger because of their abusive behavior and actions.
I am evolved, experienced, and thriving because I choose to be that. I worked hard not to let the hurt make me hate the world. On the contrary, I love the world and all of its chaos.
The mind can do such amazing things when trying to protect itself. There were numerous times when I would shout for him to stop. To let me go. Bring me back to my mother. I lied about my period because I didn’t want him to touch me. Soon he started to catch on, and the abuse continued—those weren’t as traumatizing as the first time.
I Lost my virginity to my father, and I know it is fucked up to tell people about it and for them to turn around and call you unfit to care for your kids because of it. It makes you the worst person on the planet.
When they assume your strength and endurance to abuse, I thought God abandoned me because he, the all-mighty, allowed evil to happen. But I genuinely believe God gives the most vigorous souls the most challenging battles. I think I was the person to stop the cycle in my family. To give my children the best and to use what happened to me. I remember it like it was yesterday.
Time had passed, but I could still smell the cigarette breath as he violated my body. The very body I used to create the children of the man who used that as an excuse to take the children away.
The most important task is to make the person they are abusing feel they have no choice but to endure. To make them think that they have no control. But it’s not real. It’s a sheet of the false belief that you are to allow actions on to yourself because you have no choice. That is what I am currently going through with the father of my two oldest kids. He tried to use what I shared with him in court because he thought that could be a card to use against me.
I wanted him to know what happened and that I wasn’t ashamed of it. Because the truth is, who I am isn’t based on the actions of others but on who I decide to be. I am a great mother and a loyal wife. The situation where he tried to use that was that he was fishing for reasons to say that I wasn’t fit to take care of the kids. And it began because he told the court that I ran away and hid them from him. He told the court about the days when I was a stripper to amplify his reasons that I should go to jail. I had just had our son. I still had the hospital pads on when I stood in court.
That is the person who has four condemned houses. The address he used to have me arrested a week after I had our son was of the cursed house.
There is so much I want to tell you. But I have a one-year-old to take care of now.
The last thing I must say is if you endured some abuse or neglect. Remember, you have the choice to make a life for yourself that is beautiful and amazing. It’s about taking that step to where you want to be—being with people who love and cherish you. Who accept your flaws and help you grow. I choose to be a great mother and loyal wife. I preferred to work on becoming a Published Children’s author instead of letting it destroy me. I made it happen because I decided.
If you want to purchase my books, you can search for my name; Leilani Raven Katen.
This encourages others to make that change. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Just keep going. For your sake, keep going.
It was an extended ending, but I want you to know something intimate about me. That helps promote the philosophy of kintsugi, ensuring that those broken pieces that once enabled me to the point of hours in the corner crying because I hated myself. And hopefully, allow you to see that healing is a choice. Pull yourself together because no matter what revenge or justice you want, it is all up to you to pick yourself up because the person who hurt you cannot heal you. That sorry will not change the past. Allow that abuse to boost your will to make your dreams happen. I did, and I thank myself every day.
Until next time.
PS, If you want to purchase my books, you can search for my name; Leilani Raven Katen. You can find them on amazon and Barnes & Noble. The Nameless Girl & The Lonely alligator is the first book I published, based on the world’s dangers. I hope you like them. I worked very hard on them.
Always Leilani Raven Katen
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